Gary Barlow & The Commonwealth Band - Sing

It seems that the endless adverts, misplaced national pride and disproportionate news coverage were not all that the powers that be decided we needed to endure for the Jubilee. Apparently, we also needed a sickly sweet and distinctly unrousing song to accompany the celebrations too. The man charged with writing this was Take That's Gary Barlow. Teaming up with "The Commonwealth Band" and the Military Wives, Barlow succeeded spectacularly in creating something else that non-Royal fanatics had to desperately blot out.

The song feels like a call to arms for all the sad weirdos who ultimately flocked to Buckingham Palace over the course of the Jubilee weekend. The lyrics may as well say, "Dress up in the Union Jack, Look like Geri Halliwell in drag and waste your day off work." Such people will have been stood outside the palace, humming this tune to themselves and swelling with pride, blissfully unaware that "Her Majesty" and her clan were looking at them as nothing more than common, easily-led plebs and couldn't wait for them all to leave. "Make this moment last forever" are among the many irksome lyrics in this track. I personally rather hope this moment does not last forever, and that Britain will, at some stage drag itself into the 21st Century and acquire an elected head of state.

As well as representing almost everything that is wrong with this country, this song is also massively disappointing. As a republican, I at least wanted to hear something that was undeniably brilliant and that I couldn't legitimately hate even if I desired to. Furthermore, Gary Barlow has such great caliber as a songwriter that he was more than capable of pulling this off. However, with this effort he simply hasn't delivered. The lyrics are unimaginative, the verses are impossibly tuneless and dull and the harmonies in the chorus don't make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up like they are clearly meant to. Finally, the bagpipes towards the end of the song are so tacked on that you can almost see the used roll of sellotape.

As a message to the British public, I hate this song. However, as a song in its own right, I loathe it. Not only is it hideously generic, but it also lauds a British institution that is out-dated, backwards and soaked in blood. There are two questions that this track spawns. Firstly, why did the Facebook campaign to have God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols as the UK Number One for the Jubilee never get off the ground? And secondly, if this atrocity of a single doesn't make Britain wake up, get rid of the monarchy and elect a president then what in God's name will?

Worth a Listen? Only if you're the sort of moron who bought those special Jubilee collector's coins.

Verdict: 1/10

Coldplay - Princess Of China (feat. Rihanna)

As unlikely pairings go, this one would certainly make anyone's top ten list. Princess Of China brings together a woman who once sang about how chains and whips excited her, and a band fronted by a man who would probably have severe issues with the environmental damage caused by the manufacture of said chains and whips. To collaborate is a daring move. Their styles of music are incredibly different and their personalities are even more so. The question is whether they have managed to pull off a master stroke.

In listening to this song, one could be forgiven for having flashbacks to the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. The whole track is haunted by a pounding, oriental-esque drumbeat and fantastic harmonies between Martin and Rihanna. This is certainly an energetic effort to say the least. Indeed, the words over-produced spring to mind. However, since the same description has been leveled at Oasis' Be Here Now on multiple occasions, this is not necessarily a bad thing. This energy is particularly noteworthy in the chorus, which will be wedged firmly into the listeners mind for many minutes after the track has ended.

The problem with this song though is that it is simply just OK. Although it sticks in the listeners head, it doesn't do so in a way that makes you desperate to listen to it again. This is not to say that it's a bad song, just that it doesn't really go anywhere hugely exciting.

All in all then, this effort could have been better, but given who was collaborating on it, it could also have been so much worse. The coming together of Coldplay and Rihanna has not been one to rival the great Lennon and McCartney, but there have been far more infamous combinations than this in history. Myra Hindley and Ian Brady spring instantly to mind.

Worth a listen? Yes, but probably only once.

Verdict: 6/10

Rihanna - Where Have Your Been

As a writer, it is very difficult to find anything to say about Rihanna that hasn’t been said already. Whether you love her or hate her, nearly everybody has an opinion on her. For better or for worse, it is often not the music itself that attracts attention to her, and controversy tends to follow her around like an overly-enthusiastic car salesman. Perhaps this is just part of the parcel when you happen to be one of the biggest pop stars in the world. So what of her latest offering, Where Have You Been?

Well to kick off, nobody can speak of a new Rihanna single without mentioning the video. Comparatively, this one is pretty dry. Don’t get me wrong, she still wears so few clothes in it that any responsible mother would warn her that she’d catch her death if she didn’t wrap up more warmly. However, that aside, it’s fairly uncontroversial. There are no whips or chains and at no point is she tied up, beaten or even abused. Instead, the video starts with her crawling out of a swamp like a hippo on an intense mission (a very aesthetically pleasing hippo at that though). From there, proceedings pretty much degenerate into a perplexing tribal dance routine and a few minutes later the song is over. As videos go it is not bad, but with a Rihanna video you can’t help but want for something that will enrage grumpy Daily Mail readers within the content, and this is sadly lacking here.

As for the song itself it is another of Rihanna’s dance numbers. It is listenable enough but doesn’t really contain any noteworthy hooks or “sit up and listen” moments. It is also quite difficult to make out a clear-cut chorus in this number too, which for a pop song tends to be something of a cardinal sin. In this case, the song doesn’t suffer much from the absence of a big chorus, but one would have been nice nevertheless.

Overall this song is not one of Rihanna’s best. ‘Where Have You Been?’ never threatens the prior brilliance of Disturbia or Russian Roulette, but in my view is certainly a better effort than the ultimately unbearable Umbrella. It is one of those songs that the casual listener is unlikely to remember, but not one that anyone will be banging their head against a brick wall to try and forget.

Worth a listen? I’d say yes, but don’t expect it to blow you away.

Verdict: 6.5/10